You know, a long time ago, maybe a year ago, I happened to come across this one post on social media. And it was like growing up as a child: why do our own family members maintain distance or act as if they don’t belong to us? There happen to be long comments by people sharing their interesting stories, e.g. one said that her mother-in-law treats her well but her mother doesn’t, and to her comment, I replied something interesting, which I would like to share in this article, my very first blog post.
Is it easy to forgive toxic people, and what if they are our family members?
I am glad that people are opening up about real concerns on social media. It became a place to interact and receive help. But forgiveness is not easy to be honest; at least we cannot forget things, that’s the way we protect our hearts from getting hurt again and again. It’s the wounded people who hurt others. Before we commence our debate, let me help you understand people’s way of perception for the last centuries. Some behavioural patterns we need to comprehend that people in family situations kept practicing it due to various reasons. And as we grow, our boundaries and individuality come from the environment to which we are exposed – here comes the importance to parenting and how a child builds tolerance. Parents, at least back in the day, used to be very strict as compared to those of now. As a self-protection mechanism, expressing your feelings was considered weak. Parents, especially fathers used to be emotionally detached and used to maintain a certain distance so that we as children respect them. They used to express anger towards their child’s mistakes straight on the face, unlike today, when mistakes are acknowledged as a journey of life or lessons to be learnt. But back then mistakes were considered failures, and then programming starts in our subconscious mind as the child grows up hearing that. Professions used to be practiced generation after generation; there has to be always a struggle if someone wants to start anything new – why I am saying this is because even today many professionals want their children to do the same. If the child has the same interest then it’s well and good, but if it has its demands then there comes the conflict at home. Also, some parents consciously used to fuel the child’s ego, thinking that he would prove his point. But this habit kept progressing unconsciously, and unfortunately many have preyed on it. There comes a long list of faltered belief systems that are no longer relevant.
Back then men being violent, and detached were considered manly, and they used to feel proud. This and many such habits like over-attachment, neglect, emotionally unstable, emotionally unavailable, overprotective, etc. cause huge communication gaps and no to zero interest in interacting, if not urgent.
I am trying to voice this particular situation of a faulty belief system where one has, either from birth due to a difficult childhood or as an adult exposed to situations due to which he/ she had some rigid belief system. As we know, the past keeps repeating itself first at the mind level and then through actions, so forgiveness makes a big difference. At the end, it’s your life, and your life is about your journey from within, to live your life to the fullest, and to achieve your best self.
It is not about forgiving them in the first place. I know you have heard it many times for the right reasons – you forgive others for yourself. And before forgiving others you have to forgive yourself, but how do you do that? Now as an adult, your self-talk is similar to the dialogues that you have heard repeatedly as a child. How do you handle yourself when the past still troubles you as you have had a difficult childhood? Now we cannot change people, also you can’t wait for others to change, knowing this is the first step. It becomes crucial to accept this situation; people like parents, in-laws, siblings, spouses, etc. to accept them as they are unless some serious violence is happening, which should be handled with awareness.
I have observed a few times that we say something different but it is understood differently. Here, when people try to improve their communication skills, it doesn’t work because their belief system speaks louder than their words; mugging up affirmation doesn’t work – that’s how we didn’t get manifestation. There are many ways – how you speak at home and how you are respected at home—that reflect on outside relationships in the world. In this case scenario, what one can consciously do is work on their tone. The way you shout, fight, scream, cry, etc. reflects outside as well one day or another. There is a difference between seeking love and seeking attention, and how we respond is also judged.
And if you are not able to manifest what you deserve and what you have dreamt of, there are high chances that you could be surrounded by difficult people at home or precisely troubled grownups. Now, with awareness, people are able to discern and accept it, which is a great start towards self-improvement. Whether you are overly pampered or undervalued, anything in extreme is not good for a child. I have also seen people with good or better childhoods, not supposedly healthy backgrounds, but seem to draw too many boundaries, of course, for their protection. Some healthy boundaries are important, but too many boundaries and holding grudges with unforgiveness lead to loneliness. When I see absolutely healthy people growing up in healthy backgrounds, they have totally different ways of handling situations; they forgive quickly and accept constructive criticism. There are some coping mechanisms that come just naturally to them.
Readers, as an aware audience, I assume that I am adding some value to your life and time, so stay with me. So, healing this or overcoming this will bring forth maturity and openness in you, which eventually help you build individuality; everything is connected both belief system to faith to forgiveness.
SO THE REAL QUESTION ISN’T ABOUT HOW TO FORGIVE, BUT HOW TO NOT GET HURT OR HOW TO TRUST!
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT ~ ACCEPTANCE ~ PROTECTION PRAYER ~ TRUST ~ FAITH ~ FORGIVENESS ~ FAST RECOVERY
- We need to acknowledge the situation, our truth, or our behaviour. Like yes, I tend to draw too many boundaries, or I lack boundaries. I don’t trust at all, or I trust people easily. I hold grudges and don’t forgive, or I forgive easily without learning the lessons and letting people hurt me. These are the traits that you have to unlearn.
- Now acceptance comes with dreams; if you dream of living your best self, now you know that it’s you who will bring change. Here most of the people fail because they lose hope before even surrendering to the unknown journey – as pain is familiar but love is overwhelming. This step plays a huge gap if not taken this path towards leap of faith. Once we surrender and don’t give in to the hopelessness, you can win this stage.
- Here comes the next stage, which is distancing yourself from yourself, basically getting rid of this victim blame game. And when you do protection prayer this stage becomes a bridge to your old self and new self. If anyone says something hurtful at home, say this statement: “Universe, help them with their internal battle.” When you pray for others, you will realise they don’t mean it—it has just become their habit to nag, pinch, trigger, etc. And the same statement for yourself as, you forgive them and forgive yourself; that’s the best deal you will ever know. Likewise, you have to keep doing it every day even for strangers at workplaces, etc in a way you are including everyone in your heart as your family.
- Now you will see the real magic, when you pray as you know science have proven telepathy. With this communication, you will build trust. And now still people will hurt you or trigger you, but you have prayed and healed yourself so you cannot be preyed on anymore. And that’s when you will attend to this situation, as this saying goes no one can hurt you without your permission. Interestingly, I would say miraculously you will not react to anyone’s attack because automatically and naturally you will say these statements to yourself, like “I am safe and I am protected.” “You will change. I trust you.”
- Also actionable statements like visualising as if you are pampering the child in people and saying “You are loved unconditionally.”By practicing these insights daily, we eventually rebuild or restore faith.
- Congratulations! You have practically forgiven without even knowing about it.
- It will bring quick recovery to your understanding of your sense of self, and you will eventually recover or gain your voice.
These are the subtle steps towards forgiveness or practical methods to not get hurt. This is my first blog; I hope you will find it helpful. Please let us know in the comments down below! I will be writing more on these topics, belief systems, and better self-parenting practices. So, stay tuned for important articles in the future to help you achieve your best self. Take care.