Have you heard of the proverb, ”Give them what they want, and you will get what you need?” It means you don’t wait to receive; you give first. And as you give, you eventually receive things one way or the other. And I wonder what goes wrong when people pleasers overdo it. Perhaps the proverb is right, but let’s understand it in the context of people pleasers. Often I see people chasing an idea, a dream that someone from outside will enable change within them. They want to seek divine outside, but the source is within too. Maybe we as people pleasers really need help, but help is absolutely everywhere; the question is, are we ready to receive it? We all have a few similar experiences, whether in the office situation, with family, and finally when we bring change that makes the big difference.
People pleasing or a habit of lying:
The law of reciprocation clearly states to give so that you become available and open to receiving. But what does it have to do with people-pleasing? An act of reciprocation has to start first with yourself. Give compassion to yourself before you become available to the world and reciprocate fairly. In the 21st century, we have everything that one has ever dreamt of in the last 500 to 1000 years or even more. We all are abundant enough to give, but how much should we give, whether it is our time or energy? Given that with advanced technology, are we exploiting our energy, giving out too much just so as to become relevant, or is it due to peer pressure or fear of loneliness?
Below are the traits behind people-pleasing behavior:
Fear-causing habit of lying:
Is it a fear that is propelling the habit of lying? Is it fear of being alone? Is it a fear of being bullied and harassed again like in the past trauma? Is it a fear of losing so-called loved ones? Is it a fear of the unknown? Is it a fear of abandonment? Is it a fear of being an authentic self? Is it a fear of saying no?
When there is a fear of abandonment, there shows the history of past trauma. And the other fears will follow along, like fear of saying no and fear of living an authentic life as well. If there are often fights at growing age, then it is likely that in order to avoid conflict, you could become an agreeable person who never puts forward their opinion. And when you go out in the world – chaos is imminent. Do not apologize for saying no. If there is a threat to say no, then that itself is a big red flag. The constant habit of lying to yourself that you are fine when you are not is more hazardous than lying to the world. It’s never too late to bring the healing and transformation. And if this helps, breaking these patterns could be your breakthrough.
Seeking validation out of lack of trust:
When we do not trust ourselves, we seek validation. When, as a child, nobody teaches how to process failures and success, we as a society fail brutally. When society feeds on their low self-esteem, their home could be as shallow as it is difficult to believe. Trust builds as early as at a small age, and if the trust is broken in a home situation, things in the long run could be difficult to process. A sign of a lack of trust within is constantly seeking approval of others and reassurance. There isn’t someone in your surroundings on whom you can trust. When we label things for our safety, we are surely heading towards building an authentic relationship with ourselves and with the divine.
Poor self-esteem and lack of unity within:
Education helps to boost confidence and self-esteem. But when we see today people into short content consumption and passive lifestyles, they show very little interest in learning. When there is an understanding that both feminine and masculine aspects are required to find the balance within, then learning abilities get unlocked. This habit of being unable to surrender is making people demand trust before they even set forth trust. The conditioning to see things until you feel or touch – no, you don’t see frequency, but you believe it, right? There is first surrender and faith, and then the ability to digest the knowledge in both science and spirituality.
Blame game, lack of responsibility:
Some of the layered reasons behind people pleasing are also lack of responsibility. Sometimes lack of responsibility doesn’t always have to mean not taking care of the basic needs; it could also mean behaviours like complaining habits, blaming others, and never being satisfied. And victimhood is a terrible trap, paranoid with this thought that everyone is against them. Also, not being able to work on the mistakes but getting offended or getting bullied, having grudge-holding tendencies, vague boundaries, and a lack of maturity. When you blame anyone, you give your power away; although betrayals, pain, and regrets could be difficult to process. If you take your power back, you eventually take responsibility for your actions and your past, much like a chain reaction. Anything can be dealt with patience, efforts, love, and care, whether it is anger, anxiety, guilt, or even fear.
Self-explaining, fear of judgement:
There are times I meet people who don’t bother or care to self-explain themselves, which is not fair to the relationships. And at other times some care too much at the expense of invading one’s privacy. Self-explaining is good when needed to build trust, and when not, it seems like an oversharing habit. And this misconception people have that to build trust you need to share every possible detail of your life – no, that’s straight invasion. It is important to share crucial matters when needed to build communication based on honesty and clarity, but every other thing is better kept private because nobody really cares; it doesn’t even matter to many every detail of your actions. However, if you have an oversharing tendency with a fear of judgment and fear of being misunderstood, then that is a task to overcome.
It’s like a chance you give to people to contemplate and correct their mistakes, as you decide to show you are hurt, and I have seen it happen. You see, it is that important to show that you can feel pain and get hurt by some of their behaviours rather than constantly people-pleasing and disrespecting yourself.
Over-pampering the bad, a need to be seen and heard:
Attachment is just an illusion. All the comforts that this world provides are just an illusion. Growth will demand discomfort, sacrifice of the bad, and responsibility. Whatever comforts people enjoy and want to remain attached to eventually brings stagnancy. People want to forget their stagnant life and want to fill the void whilst trying to fix others lives. And as they get the attention from the bad, they both act like prey and predator, sometimes playing each other’s role. In this dynamic, there could be an attachment with the bad habits within and with other people as well. A veil seems to never disclose the reality, the truth, and this drama can turn wild and chaotic in the long run.
“Attachment with pain, since love is overwhelming, and pain is familiar.”
Codependency and secretly picking only bad in others:
A sign of emotional codependency is a constant intrinsic need to be seen and be heard. When their sole worth depends on doing every little extra thing, either through actions or through words, which can come across as nagging too. Picking fights and arguments are the things that we can witness and see clearly, but much prior to that, picking on others secretly becomes a breeding ground. It becomes crucial to accept the differences of opinions and to have open-mindedness towards other individuals.
Communication with the divine: The Solution
After a certain age, we as people assume things a lot farther away from the reality. And hence illusion of pain is created, and where there is truth, there pain cannot survive. And communication helps to break any kind of illusion and assumption. When we communicate with others, relationships grow really well. And when you communicate with the divine, you will realise divine is not for punishing you; when your prayers are not heard, it means you need to bring transformation within. When such is the case, communicate with the divine; don’t put forward your wishlist, but instead, listen to what it is trying to say. And when you have faith in the divine, you will get your answers. Because divine wants you to be at peace, joyous, and happy, and that in itself is the biggest contribution you will ever make. When we lie to others, we are aware, but when we lie to ourselves, are we aware enough?
Well, it could be you or someone you know who shows more or less traits of the people-pleasing or habit of lying. And the problem is it’s really difficult to decipher these traits if people-pleasers in your growing years are the main source of exposure. Once you discover the need to change, you will eventually find valid reasons since it is about your life. And you have to live for yourself without getting entitled. It is your life; spirituality is the basis of this: you help yourself to help others. It is about your life, and you are not selfish at all to prioritize yourself first and also balance every other important aspect in life – this is what work-life balance is.
When I see people in my family personally, either they are submissive or dominating. But even though these two might project differently, both are people pleasers. In many families I have seen this thing where people pleasing is promoted and normalized as if it were a virtue, and if you are not a people pleaser, you are a bad person. I want you to understand that there is a difference between kindness and people pleasing. As lesser you know as you go out in the world, submissive people attract abuse and constant predators, and that’s a whole lot of drama and never-ending karma altogether. Do not mistake people-pleasing for kindness. It is crucial to live with integrity and self-respect. Submissive ones aspire to fix people so that they feel needed and hence end up attracting abusers. And the abusers prey on the weak to feel that they are in power. And with that power dynamic, they want to please people in a society or in a community. Hence, you see both the prey and the predator are people pleasers.
Now, it is likely that whatever you surround yourself with, you are ought to get that color or shade on you. And more or less we do surround ourselves with people like that. And it becomes difficult to find those mistakes when everything is so vague. And to live with integrity, we need to keep polishing our values. So, self-analyzing becomes crucial. You have to find your balance, like the pendulum, not to get polarized or remain stuck at one end for too long. Here are the above attributes of a people pleaser. Anytime, we can get ourselves a reality check and attract less drama for a peaceful life. And not everyone can choose to leave a toxic situation, as children, money, and other things are involved in an extreme case. One important thing to remember: just because you are lonely, don’t hang out with the wrong people.
I know few people say that’s how the world operates: adjust and sacrifice, but will you trade your sanity for comfort? So, you either choose sanity or do crime against yourself, as toxic environment could possibly force you to commit crime against both humanity, other people, and yourself. Although the esoteric meaning of life is that everything has its meaning at one stage, one has to excel and break the boundaries for overall good. Your peace and happiness matter the most for your mental health and personal growth.
How dreadful could people-pleasing be? Your habit of people-pleasing could be perceived as a mixed signal by the predator as a sign of agreement, as you can expect with their mental state. It could give chance to molestation and other severe exploitation and abuse, so people pleasing is that dangerous. The right people will never leave you; in fact, they will not make you feel bad about yourself; they will accept and respect you for who you are. And hence you are likely to attract more healthy people in life around you.